I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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