Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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