Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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