you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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