I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
