call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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