I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
