I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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