And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
