why didn't you poke me back
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
