is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
worst night to have a conscience
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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