how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
