What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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