It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
