I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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