just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
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She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
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