I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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