You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You made out with two different species that night
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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