Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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