take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
foreskin is a definite game changer
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
