just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
