I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .