He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
