By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
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when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
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I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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