Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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