These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
