Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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