The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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