I want to walk on stilts...naked
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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