tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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