I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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