This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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