new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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