I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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