Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Im part way to drunk.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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