I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I believe in your delicious
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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