im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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