Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
