i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
