just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
