i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
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I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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