My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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