I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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