On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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