I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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