benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
