so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
