Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
