Sry I called you an 8
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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