I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
