Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
