I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
