Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
