yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Randomize
