i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Everyone says I win the strip club
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.