i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
