Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
