My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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