the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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