Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
