so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
